You have to understand that now, being the owner of five cats, the biggest problem is keeping them all amused so they don’t rip each other to shreds in the constant struggle for “Alpha Supremacy.” Fortunately, I’ve always felt my calling in life was to be a game designer for felines. Unfortunately, there isn’t much of a market for that.
First, there was a game I invented called “Belt” … which really just involved lassoing a cat with a belt. No real rules there, but for some reason, cats find it amusing. At least, I think it’s amusement — they kept coming back for more and didn’t rip my face off when I won.
This was followed quickly by “Sock” … which did in fact have a simple set of rules and a scoring system that allowed my cat, Bogart, and I to play a couple of rounds every morning before I left for work. I think my collective win/loss record against him is 69-74 … so it’s a pretty evenly-weighted game between the two of us (me being the “flipper” and him being the “catcher” of course — lack of opposable thumbs limits the choices of positions he can field).
In order to spice things up a bit, last year I invented the variant we affectionately call “Australian Rules Sock,” which has a slightly more complex set of rules as well as an extensive handicapping system that is impossible to figure out without a pocket calculator. Again, thanks to the lack of opposable thumbs required to work the calculator, my career record in our ARS league is 28-21 against the cats.
However, this time I have outdone myself, for I have invented the ultimate team sport for cat-on-cat action: “Tag-Team Feline Arena Ball,” or “T-Fab” It is an exciting new game that enthralls them for hours both as players and spectators — as when a player is not actively fielding, he is apparently expected to sit on the upper edge of the arena and cheer his teammates on. Best of all, as with all of my games, it is relatively inexpensive. All you need for a basic game is one jacuzzi (empty, of course — though we may introduce a water-born variant soon), and one ping pong ball. When I take this to market, obviously I will design a ball of “league-sanctioned dimensions and materials” as well as a full-sized, yet portable arena. The suggested retail price will be approximately $69.95; look for it at Wal-Mart, Mejer, Costco and any place quality feline entertainment is sold.
I have witnessed several complete matches (hey Baseball doesn’t start until next month, gotta watch something), mostly between Bogart and Zoey, and must say that youth and agility definitely have the advantage over age and experience in this most challenging of competitive sports. Unfortunately, I have as of yet been unable to capture a one-on-one game on video (stay tuned, I’ll try to sneak a camera into the match this evening), but yesterday I managed to film Zoey showing off her exquisite talents as she practiced for the regional semi-finals.
http://www.lungbarrow.com/video/405.wmv
Immediately after filming this, her handlers had me beaten and thrown out of the arena … these divas hate papparazzi.
