Inspired by an episode of the 99 Points Podcast, and because I’m bored and haven’t done anything worth blogging about lately…
#5. KITT (Knight Rider) — There are lots of choices for transportation, granted: Batmobile … Invisible Aston Martin Vanquish … Blade Runner Spinner … Landspeeder … and so on. Thing is though, talking cars are cool. Plus, if I had a black ’83 Trans Am in factory condition, I could grow my mullet back and get away with it.
#4. Nerve-Impulse Activated Wrist-Dart Launcher (Moonraker) — I am of course assuming that this inconspicuous little device is accurate up to 25 or 30 feet. A simple flick of the wrist would make boring-assed powerpoint presentations (the bane of my existence) much more bearable.
“As you can clearly see from this next slide, our product …” <snick> ” … Mr. Snider! … Why!? …” <thud></thud></snick>
It would also come in handy for clearing out long lines at the coffee island at the gas station in the morning.
#3. Neuralizer(Men in Black) — Much more effective than the old Jedi Mind Trick as it works on large groups of people — even the not-so weak-minded.
“Now listen up! You did not just see an error message flash on the screen caused by our inept integration specialist. Swamp gas from a weather balloon reflected the light of Venus and put a glare on your monitor at just the right angle that it only looked like a blue screen of death. Oh, and also, Darrin is a fantastic employee and you are planning to give him a 10K/year raise and let him handle the Dreamgirlz Showclub account.”
#2. Holodeck (Star Trek) — Sort of a toss-up between this and replicators. Yeah, replicators are cool and all, but if the first floor of my house were a holodeck, I wouldn’t need all that stuff for the “real world” because I would never go there. Plus it makes decorating incredibly easy.
“Computer: Go to bachelor pad mode and give me one red-headed cocktail waitress and one brunette stewardess … both over 5’10” with D-cups and low self-esteem.”
“Computer: Enlarge plasma TV by 75%”
“Computer: Delete couch and enlarge poker table by 200%”
“Computer: Delete fireplace and add volcanic pit with retractable man-trap cage.”
Oh, it doesn’t get boring.
#1. Magic Movie Ticket (Last Action Hero) — Continuing on that theme … sucky movie, yes … but geez, consider the possibilities if you weren’t a ten year old boy with an uncomfortable man-crush on Arnold Schwarzenegger. I mean, first off, I could actually obtain all of the cool stuff in this list … not that it matters because I’d be too busy vacationing in Rivendell, living with the discarded slave girls in the late Jabba-the-Hutt’s now-empty palace, and commuting to the office I share with Philip Marlowe back in 1939 after I convinced him he needed to hire me to replace Miles Archer — owing to how quickly I solved that whole Maltese Falcon thing for him. Oh, who am I kidding … a guy with a porn collection the size of mine would be far too busy in the alternate universe where bank tellers giggle and tear off their close at lame jokes like, “I’d like to make a … ‘deposit’,” to do all that jet-setting.
