Okay, so I will admit, I like Christmas music in a weird, twisted way. Well, some of it. I’m not even picky about who does it. It can be the version I grew up with, or some new version I’ve never heard in a genre I don’t even particularly like. I mean, how weird is it to have a group of songs that are done orchestral, vocal, country, rock, reggae, even metal. As music, it’s pretty universal. Probably worthy of anthropological study. And I know, you’re going to argue that it’s Christmas, it’s universal, but really how many songs, aside from containing the phrase “Merry Christmas” actually pertain to the religious aspect of the holiday. Sorry, Christians, everybody says “Merry Christmas” even atheists and Jews in my experience.
It first dawned on my when I was listening to “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” The more times I heard it, the more I thought the protagonist was probably severely depressed. Everything seems to be about how they wish things were like they used to be and they’re just trying to forget how miserable they are and how many troubles they have. Of course, I looked up the exact lyrics to see if I was missing something, then found the original version of the song, which is from an old Judy Garland movie, Meet Me in St. Louis. She’s singing it with her daughter, who is depressed that they’re moving to New York and leaving their home behind. Okay, not as bad as I was making it out to be, but certainly not the context we’re used to placing the song in now.
The point being, as I was sitting around at work listening to Christmas music all afternoon, I started studying the lyrics to others. Then I went to Google and found out half these songs are not what I thought they were about.
I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas — There’s a reason they never play you the first verse. The song is actually about a guy stuck among the palm trees of Beverly Hills, where it’s 80 degrees and he wishes he was up north. Yeah, we feel really sorry for ya, dude.
Jingle Bells — Surprisingly doesn’t even contain the word Christmas. It was originally written for a Thanksgiving program.
Winter Wonderland — Also doesn’t mention Christmas. Pretty sure just the “sleigh bells ring” bit is the only reason it’s associated. I’m thinking the song is about a guy whose sleigh got overturned a ditch, pinning him underneath as he was on the way to his wedding. As he slowly freezes to death, ringing the bells (hoping that someone is listening and will come to his rescue) he starts hallucinating circus clowns and snowmen dressed as clergymen. Now you argue that he’s later sitting by the fire with his bride, but the lyric is vague. I think he’s conspiring by the fire with the clowns and snowmen. Who knows what a man in this mental state is planning, but he’s got circus clowns (scary) and snowmen dressed as clergy (religious zealots), so he faces it unafriad … probably a suicide bombing.
Sleigh Ride — Originally didn’t even have lyrics. It was strictly an instrumental piece first (stolen and) used in a western movie, “The Streets of Laredo.” Two years after it was written, a different guy threw in the lyrics about riding in a sleigh. Apparently sleighs are only used at Christmas time, so it became a Christmas song. It says something about going to a Christmas party at one point, but alternate versions of the songs say Birthday party, so we can’t be sure now, can we. A party is a party.
Baby It’s Cold Outside — Okay, you guys are just sick. Nothing says birth of the King of Kings like a song about date rape. Again, the word Christmas isn’t anywhere in the lyrics. Unless you think the answer to “What’s in this drink?” is muhrr. The fact that this ever got associated with Christmas has to be the result of a disgruntled disc jockey spinning the tune on Christmas eve as a joke or something. Seriously, the only reason this song isn’t creepier is because they always have this really tough singer chicks singing it. You’re not going to hear a version featuring, say, Tom Jones singing it to Kate Bush. It just doesn’t work. However, I would love to have a version of Shirley Manson from Garbage singing it to Justin Bieber, only have her do the guy parts and him do the girl parts. I think it could be a platinum hit.
