spam04I don’t normally do this, but we were having a discussion earlier and I felt I needed to get my finger on the pulse of the Internet marketing community. What better way to do this than to go through my spam folder.

Here’s what I found out of 799 messages collected in the past 30 days …

  • 1 person wants me to “Click this link to stop all the spam.” — I suspect it’s a trap to find gullible people.
  • Plaxo emailed once asking me to come back — Speaking of Spam.
  • 1 person wants to design my web site for me. — Of course, if I want it to be in English, that may be a problem.
  • 1 person wants to sell me a new copy machine. What am I going to do with a copy machine?
  • 1 person found my naked pictures on a web site (and assumed I didn’t want them there?)
  • 1 person wants me to pay them to leave a custom phone greeting on my voicemail. I suspect this is like phone sex, only in reverse?
  • 1 person wants to buy my gold, yet, strangely they didn’t give an address for me to send it to.
  • Very disturbingly, one person wants to sell me a knock-off “Snuggie.” Those damned pirates!
  • 1 company wants me to buy their U-Verse service. (Guess who?)
  • 2 people want me to sign up for their dating site. Because there are probably truckloads of girls out there who really go for guys that count the spam in their junk mail folders.
  • 2 people want me to read their novels, though their emails were so boring I couldn’t get through them.
  • 2 government agencies want to give me a grant. They just didn’t say for what.
  • 2 people want me to switch to a new office phone system, despite the fact that I don’t have an office.
  • 3 people want to buy my house, even though it’s not for sale.
  • 3 people want to give me good placement on Google. Like THAT’S going to solve all my problems.
  • 3 people want to sell me hardwood floors. I thought this was a metaphor, but it wasn’t.
  • I won 3 eBay auctions … even though I don’t have an eBay account under this email address (suspicious?)
  • 3 Russian girls and one Brazillian girl want to have sex with me. (Even more suspicious.)
  • 4 companies have preapproved me for a loan. Expect to see them in the next round of government bailouts.
  • 5 classmates have been searching for me. And I have been hiding from them.
  • 7 people offered me an executive job. I turned them down because I really want to make thousands per week from home
  • I apparently missed seven big sales at Hallmark.com. See what you get when you send one eCard … that, I might add, never got read because IT TOO ended up in a spam folder.
  • Seven of my bank accounts/credit cards were broken into and I need to log in and change my password. Who knew I had an account at the Bank of London.
  • 8 People had a really keen educational opportunity for me. I always wanted to learn VCR repair in my spare time.
  • 8 people wanted to sell me lists of gullible idiots who like to take surveys. Yeah, like I need that.
  • 9 people thought I was gullible enough to take their survey. Ooooh, shiny.
  • Flixter picked out ten movies for me. I have a Flixter account?
  • My credentials earned me placement in 13 different Who’s Who Publications. Yeah, I read the last few annual volumes. They’re not as riveting as the classic issues.
  • 13 people want me to make thousands a week by working at home. You KNEW this one was coming, didn’t you?
  • 22 just want to sell me a diploma. Can I still get a bachelors in VCR repair?
  • I won the lottery 22 times … in EUROPE!
  • I won 30 public tax auctions and need to submit my credit card to claim my $20 Lincoln town car, my $200 mansion, etc. So when you see me crusin’ round with my whitewalls, you’ll know it’s me.
  • 31 people who don’t speak English want to sell me Adobe products “cheepest.” Damn, and I just bought that off Amazon too.
  • 34 people want me to pay them to watch some seminar video … probably about how not to get scammed on the Internet.
  • I received 39 offers for enlarging a certain body part … plus 1 to “stop flaccidity of my porksword” … I had to look up “flaccidity,” but sure enough, they spelled it right.
  • There were 41 offers to buy a new replica watch. I actually already own five that I bought in Mexico. PLUS, I got a free sombrero.”
  • 48 people wanted to sell me drugs. They were a little vague about which ones of course.
  • I lost 53 relatives to various accidents in Africa last month and need to claim their inheritances, so please, give me time to grieve.
  • I received 54 messages that made no sense, just a weird quote (usually Shakespeare) along with a link that looked like the coordinates of Planet Vulcan.
  • I had 71 offers to gamble at various web sites. I have made $2 Million at Facebook Poker, so maybe it’s time I moved up to the big leagues.
  • And, of course, 231 offers to solve that pesky erectile dysfunction problem of mine.