Subject: Your Dating Profile Has Been Removed 🚫💔

Dear Mr. Snider,

Thank you for using [DatingAppName]. Unfortunately, after careful review, we have determined that your profile violates our Community Guidelines in the following ways:

1. Excessive Explosive Content
While we encourage creativity, listing “C4, TNT, and Tannerite knowledge” as a mandatory romantic qualification is considered a safety hazard and, in some jurisdictions, an admission of intent.

2. Unrealistic Partner Standards
Your insistence that “no woman can live up to the Kari Byron Standard™” was flagged under our “Romantic Elitism” clause. Our internal records indicate that Kari Byron is, in fact, a television personality and not a dating pool demographic.

3. Inappropriate First Date Suggestions
We cannot allow profiles that recommend “buying PVC piping, constructing something ill-advised in the garage, and testing it in the backyard” as an ideal date. This was specifically cited in our “No Improvised Ordnance” policy.

4. Ambiguous Threat Levels
Phrases such as “sexy and mildly threatening” to describe your ideal partner’s tone during hypothesis testing have been deemed unsettling to the general user base.

5. The Lawn Mower Clause
Encouraging the conversion of lawnmowers into hovercrafts on a first date is explicitly prohibited in our Safe Dating Environment Act compliance handbook.

Suggested Edits for Reinstatement:

  • Replace “must weld before breakfast” with “enjoys light brunch.”
  • Remove all references to detonation velocity.
  • Limit MythBusters mentions to three per paragraph.
  • Eliminate the phrase “stand back, I’m about to test the hypothesis” unless referring to board games.

Final Note:
We understand your admiration for Kari Byron. We too have fond memories of her explaining ballistics while wearing safety goggles. However, [DatingAppName] is not a venue for recruitment into a romanticized explosives laboratory.

Please consider our sister site, IndustrialChemistrySingles.com, which may better suit your needs.

Sincerely,
The DatingAppName Moderation Team
“Where love blossoms, but not in a shockwave radius”

Subject: RE: Your Dating Profile Has Been Removed 🚫💔

Dear Moderation Team,

Thank you for your prompt and entirely misguided removal of my dating profile. I’ve read your “reasons,” and I have to say, they read less like Community Guidelines and more like a declaration of war on lonely, middle-aged single fathers who just want to meet a woman who can both assemble a potato cannon and explain Newton’s Third Law without checking Wikipedia.

I am a 54-year-old single parent. My Friday nights are spent helping my daughter build dioramas out of cardboard and hot glue because no one else is here to say, “That volcano’s not going to erupt unless we use more baking soda.” My only adult conversations in the last six months have been with the lady at the grocery store who thinks my obsession with duct tape is “quirky.” And now you’re telling me I can’t express my modest desire for a partner who can weld before breakfast?

Do you have any idea how hard it is to date at my age? My dating pool is basically divorced people arguing about whether they’re “dog” or “cat” people. Meanwhile, I’m over here looking for someone who knows the tensile strength of steel cable and isn’t afraid to test it in the driveway. That’s not “Romantic Elitism,” that’s called knowing what you need before you die alone surrounded by MythBusters DVDs and takeout containers.

Also, your suggestion to replace “must weld before breakfast” with “enjoys light brunch” is frankly insulting. I’m raising a kid here. I don’t have time for “light brunch.” I have time for “light welding” and “blowing up a refrigerator to teach projectile physics.”

If you’re worried about safety, let me assure you: I’ve been a responsible single father for over a decade. My kid still has all her fingers and toes, despite living in a home where the words “stand back, I’m about to test the hypothesis” are on the family crest.

So no, I will not be editing my profile to be more “relatable.” I will not pretend to enjoy hiking when what I really enjoy is slow-motion footage of high-velocity impacts. And I certainly won’t lower my standards to date someone who thinks “fuse” is just a thing in the breaker box.

If you change your mind, I’ll be in the garage. Alone. Again. Building a trebuchet with my kid and wondering if Kari Byron is on IndustrialChemistrySingles.com.

In Science (and Isolation),
Darrin
Single Dad, Amateur Engineer, MythBusters Purist