I’ve never been a “sports guy” in the traditional sense. Yes, I played Little League. Yes, I’ve had golf lessons like every suburban kid with a corporate-driven parent. No, I haven’t been to a tailgate since my fraternity days when we sold our tickets for beer and donut money, because a case of Little Kings and an éclair at 6 AM in the parking lot was more entertaining than an IU football game was in 1988.
Mind you, I’ll watch “popular sports” socially at a bar or in a “come over and watch the game” setting, but while I can name every player that every lineup of the band Kansas ever fielded, I cannot name the current starting five for the Indiana Pacers. That said, there are sports I do love and follow, but they’re not the ones you’re supposed to love, and I really don’t even love them for the right reasons. In that regard, this isn’t so much a list of my favorite sports as it is a personality test I repeatedly fail.
5. Cricket
I love cricket the way I love abstract art. I read the Laws of Cricket one night. I still don’t quite get them. I really dig the commitment, though. Cricket, like golf, is just what happens when you want to play a sport, but you don’t want anyone’s blood pressure to get out of whack. Games can take days to finish. I’ve had relationships that didn’t last as long as a proper test match.
The cool thing about cricket is that it’s perfect for the same reason my brain gravitates almost exclusively towards British Panel Shows or those “rerun channels” on Pluto TV. It’s just “a mood” with some micro-moments that are entertaining. It’s not “event television” where I must pay attention because something might be important in the season finale next month. I can arrive in the middle, leave for a while to clean the bathroom and just have it on in the background, then come back and keep watching if I want. Well, okay, there’s that, and the fact that they’re all trying so hard to make a cable knit sweater look intimidating to the other team. Cricket isn’t a sport you so much watch as absorb until one day, suddenly, you’re totally following the announcer’s discussion of run-rates and the “silly mid off.” That’s when you know you have a problem.
4. Jai-alai
Yes, of course, I only know about Jai-alai because I read the novelization of Tron. Who else outside of the greater Miami area would have heard of this sport? Seriously, though, was it invented by a bored Mediterranean daredevil who thought playing tennis with a hand grenade was “a bit soft?” I mean, holy crap. There’s three walls, there’s a basket thing you put on your arm, and you’re expected use it to essentially play racquetball with a golf ball that’s zipping around at 200MPH. This is every one of my favorite “death sport movies” being played out in real time in front of me. Unlike cricket, there is no way to just “casually watch’ jai-alai. You’re either dead inside, or you’re on the edge of your seat waiting for someone’s skull to get smashed open like a kid shooting an apple with a BB gun.
3. Ultimate Frisbee
I stumbled on Ultimate Frisbee during one of those late-night insomnia sessions when I ended up above channel 1200 in the “sports section” looking for something to lull me to sleep, because I was laughing too hard at the “Love Boat Channel.” As such, I’m completely incapable of watching this sport during daylight hours. I mean, it’s a fine sport with athleticism, teamwork, and sportsmanship, sure. After 2 AM, however, it feels like we’re not here for points. We’re here fighting for the honor of our playlist, and the rules are written on a whiteboard in dry-erase and the players may or may not be sober or athletic, but they absolutely believe they are.
I swear this sport runs on oral tradition, a few unspoken agreements, and royalty kickbacks from the sponsors. While, Little League dads are slashing the umpire’s tires for a bad call, ultimate frisbee is more philosophical. I’m sure I’ve seen blatant technical fouls resolved by casual debate. Who touched it last? Did that count? Does anything count? Are we still playing? Why am I here? What is life?
2. Four-Player Chess
Now, I do play chess regularly, and as expected from this blog post, I prefer the unusual variations of chess, especially “Fisher Random” or “Chess 960.” No, it’s probably not really a sport any more than esports is. I know both have entire leagues and obscure channels where you can watch people play, and while I could probably give you a thousand words making fun of people that watch a TV network dedicated to watching other people play a video game you can buy yourself, I will admit to watching a lot of Four-Player Chess matches live on Chess.com. Mostly because I’m trying to figure this game out so I can start playing and not look like a total idiot, but also because, unlike regular chess, which is dignified and intellectual, Four-Player Chess is just … insane.
Four-player chess takes the standard rules of chess and says, “What if we add paranoia as a rule?” So, now you’ve basically turned Chess into your most cutthroat game of Risk, where alliances form, alliances are broken, and there’s always one person the others secretly want to screw over, hard. You don’t lose the game; you are betrayed and slain like Caesar.
The only thing better than watching a Four-Player Chess game on chess.com is finding a live match on YouTube where your favorite players sit down, webcams rolling, with no ELO, federation standing, or personal status on the line, and just brutally trash-talk the crap out of each other for the sake of content, not taking themselves seriously for one minute of it.
1. Baseball
Baseball is perfect, or at least it was until someone added a pitch clock and completely trashed the “extra innings” rules. GAAAHHH!!!! I love baseball because, like cricket, it understands my brain and pacing. MLB used to have an option to turn off the color announcers and just watch the game with the glorious ambience of natural ballpark sound as if you were there (please bring this back, MLB.com). On the other hand, maybe you like the detailed analysis and thoughtfulness you get from the radio commentary, where the rules of dead air mean these guys better have some cool facts to throw out while the coach and the umpire are discussing lineup changes. Yeah, and if you’re some kind of monster, you can watch it on TV with some inane Bally Sports talking head who calls the game with a fake laugh that makes you want to strangle him half the time.
Unlike cricket, however… or at least not how I grok it … baseball lets you watch on multiple levels. You just want background noise while you write a novel? Easy. You want to watch your favorite players knock a few out of the park and make some cool plays while you chat with your friends in a bar? We’ve got you. You want to analyze every situation, study player stats, and develop a prediction around whether this next guy should be walked or thrown low and outside? It’s not a fast sport. You have time to run some numbers in Google. Baseball isn’t a cool sport. It’s the sport anyone can play in their own backyard or find their own level to enjoy.
So that’s it. Yes, a strange list that probably says too much about me and how my brain works. I could defend it, but I will not be taking questions. I will just offer: if your favorite sport doesn’t say something unflattering but accurate about your personality, are you even watching it right?
One time, someone corrected my pronunciation of jai-alai. I’m not sure the context it which I mispronounced it, since I didn’t even know it was a sport until I read this. Maybe it’s… also a beer??? Whatever. Replace Kansas with Dream Theater, and all five of these sports with Pro Wrestling promotions and that’s my version, exactly.
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